Starting Over

Divorced.  Single mom.  No job.  No plan.  Starting over at 37.

Have you ever taken a look at your life, and wondered how you ended up in your current situation? 

Life has a funny way of shaking you.  The shake rattles you, leaving a void in its wake.  A haunting and silent void of the dreams you once had.  A grieving takes place in that silence.  But something else lies in the recesses, if you're brave enough to face it.  The shake, as daunting as it seems, is a refining force. Its aim is to remove everything in your life that is holding you back.  It is here you will find your potential and your purpose.   Within the void there is nothing but yourself.  The purest essence of who you are, and what you're made of exists only in this space.  Lean in and you will meet your truest self.  

This is not an easy choice.  Continuing on even when you have lost your taste for life.  When the path ahead is unclear and you are left with nothing but questions.  When the dreams you once held have turned to rubble.  Surviving the shake up takes grit.  It takes choosing yourself.  And believing that you have what it takes to withstand it.  You will come out the other side, bruised and battered, but alive.  A little bit stronger and wiser. With a knowing of self that is rooted in the foundation of hardship.  Poised and ready for the next time that life shakes you.   

Not everyone is able to survive the shake.  Some choose the wasting.  Some choose to settle.  Some choose to end it all.  But, others allow it to accomplish what it's intended to.  To disintegrate everything in your life that does not align with your purpose. What you do with the shake is a test of your essence. 

I'm in the midst of a shake up. And the question remains. What am I made of?  

This is the conundrum that plagues all of humanity. And all must answer its call.  

Will you rise above the trials of life?  Will you choose thriving over merely surviving? Neither path is easy. Both offer their fair share of challenges.  But only one leads to joy. 

The trail markers of thriving are joy and gratitude.  And the markers for survival are bitterness and resentment. These trails do not run parallel to one another, rather they weave and intersect.  And at any point on your journey you can find yourself on either trail.  I find when life is going well, I easily trek along the trail of joy and gratitude.  But when a big shake occurs, I catch myself drifting into bitterness and resentment.  I am not proud of this. In this weakened state I am tripped up by an overgrowth of intrusive thoughts.  Fear and shame abound.  It becomes difficult to see the destination, let alone the next step.  This is why we aren't meant to do life alone.  

The measure of a person's character is dependent on which path they choose when life gets hard.  And who you bring with you makes all the difference.  I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people who love me.  They meet me on the path of misery.  Allow me to show up exactly as I am and help untangle the knots of bitterness and resentment.  Their love gently guides me back to the path of joy and purpose. 

This is what life is all about.  Finding purpose and connection.  Standing strong regardless of what life throws at you.  And, always finding your way back to the path of gratitude.

We the (divided) People

 Turn on any news channel, hop on social media, or attend a family gathering and you will encounter the divide.  Maskers vs. Non-maskers.  Racist vs. Anti-racist.  Black Lives Matter vs. Blue Lives Matter.  Pro-Life vs. Pro-choice.  Christianity vs. Science.  Feminism vs. Patriarchy.  And on and on it goes..

A thread woven throughout all these issues is politics.  Politicians take the responsibility, and often the blame (albeit, justifiably at times) for the current state of the Nation.  

We look to our politicians to fix the problems.  To unite us.  To create the country we want to live in.  While at the same time criticizing those in office for politicizing the issues our nation faces.  The thing is, though, asking a politician to do their job without bringing politics into it, is similar to asking a mechanic to fix your car without thinking like a mechanic.  

We've begun to look at our politicians as leaders. They're not.  Not entirely.  

They're Representatives.

They represent US.  WE are the leaders.

These issues aren't political issues.  They're human issues.  We as a people have politicized and polarized them.  We as a people have divided our nation. 

But we as a people can also change it.  We have to stop looking to our politicians to fix the issues of our country.  This election is being paraded as the most important election in American history.  It isn't.  An important one for certain, but politics can't fix anything.  And policy can't change hearts.  

But people?  People can.

We can cross the divide and learn from those who don't believe as we do.  We can engage in civil conversation.  Not to be heard, but to hear.  Not to teach, but to learn.  There is more that unites us than divides us.

Use your voice. Vote.  But remember YOU are the leaders.  And we must lead with integrity.

OF the People.  BY the People.  FOR the People. 

(Adapted from The Gettysburg Address, Abraham Lincoln)

The Collision of Normal and Pandemic

Today, I went to Costco for the first time in a while.  I thought I was prepared.  I wasn't.  It was a haunting experience, like something out of a movie.  I waited in a line outside.  Waiting for enough people to exit to be allowed in.  The carts carefully wiped down before you could grab one.  This I was prepared for, but what I experienced upon entering... I could not of been.  The normal hustle and bustle atmosphere was eerily quiet.  No one stopped to chat.  No one browsed items.  People wearing masks or scarves covering their face.  Elderly people that looked terrified to be there.  Like they had to choose whether they wanted to die from hunger or Covid-19.

It was somber.
It was too much.

As I was leaving, I walked past the everforming line of people waiting to get in.  I sat in my car, just trying to process what I had just experienced.  How quickly "normal" changes.  I sat in the Costco parking lot and cried.  I cried for the elderly, who are afraid to leave their homes.  For the workers standing in the snow sanitizing carts.  For the people who expose themselves everyday so I could buy groceries.  For the healthcare workers on the front lines.  I cried for us.  For a humanity that has had their way of life stripped from them.

I don't want to wrap this in a pretty bow.  And say, we'll get through this.  I don't want to say that we'll be better on the other side of this.  Although, I hope those things are true.  Right now, I just want to say, this is hard.  This is emotional.  This is too much.

Hearing is Seeing

I'm sitting drinking my morning coffee. We ran out of creamer over the weekend and since I do not take my coffee black, I used the only thing at my disposal...Bailey's Irish Cream.  Whiskey before breakfast is a real thing in this house..at least until I can make it to the store for creamer.

Don't judge me, it's Spring Break and the world is facing a global pandemic.

As I sit and sip, I'm reflecting on a Podcast I listened to last night.  Brené Brown's new Podcast "Unlocking Us" is thought provoking gold.  It's not something I can listen to around the kids so I generally listen to it before bed.  This particular episode was a conversation with Tarana Burke, who established the "Me Too" movement.  I confess that I have to go re-listen to it.  Despite the fascinating conversation, exhaustion overcame me, and I drifted off to sleep.  But, before I entered dreamland, I caught a part of it that deeply resonated with me.  Tarana said, "if you can't hear me, you can't see me."  This concept, that to be seen is to be heard, really struck me.  In an age where people speak more than they listen, it's no surprise that a large majority of people, myself included, feel unseen.

As humans we long to be known.  And yet, one of the scariest things we can do is open ourselves up to be known.  There's a vulnerability to it that is frankly terrifying, so we sabotage it.  Either by just remaining quiet, and not letting our voices be heard. 🙋  Or by other means that masks who we really are.  These defensive mechanisms protect our image and our inner being from judgement and scorn.  But leave us alienated and lonely.  I sit wondering how many of us have even one person who truly knows who we are?  Just one person, who we have let in.  Not at the surface level of our lives, but the deepest parts of who we are.  The pieces that aren't pretty.  The parts of our story that we don't want to tell, but at times wish people knew.  Because then, they'd be able to understand.  But with understanding comes vulnerability.  And vulnerability often equates to weakness.

This idea sent me on a self-reflecting spiral.  And something I have considered a weakness in my own life are my emotions.  I'm a very emotional person with high sensitivity.  It's something about myself that has brought lifelong shame.  I have tried to ignore and hide this part of myself for years.  Insisting that I am not a "feeler" but a "thinker." Trying and trying to be anything, but myself.  But this piece of me, that I tried so desperately to stamp out, always showed through.  Much to my dismay. You can't run from who you were created to be.  I've been on a journey, learning to embrace these parts of myself that I have long considered useless.  And part of this journey is allowing myself, my real self, to finally be heard and seen.  It's uncomfortable and intimidating.  And most days, I really want to go back into hiding.  But hiding helps no one.  There can be no community or friendship without vulnerability.  It is vulnerability that makes us human.  And embracing it, is what will unite us.

Facing Uncertainty

                March 2020.

    The world is in turmoil, treading through the waters of a global pandemic.  People are scared.  Food and toiletry items (ahem, toilet paper) are disappearing off shelves faster than they can be restocked.  Businesses are temporarily closing.  People are out of work.  We're confined to homes.  And social distancing seems to be the defining word of the year.  It seems strange that suddenly, our only means of social gathering is through a media platform.  Our devices, something that specialists have studied in depth to see its effects on our behavior and psyche, have now become our sole means of communication and connectedness.  Coffee dates, meetings, even doctor appointments are being held virtually.

    As someone who values one on one, and struggles to really "connect" through a device, this a waking nightmare.  There's something about looking at someone through a screen that feels so impersonal.  But like so many others, I'm having to adapt to a new norm.  And so here I am, blogging.  Something I haven't done in 5 years.  However, I've always been someone who communicates well with the written word.  So this is my way of bringing you all a little closer.  And while I would much rather share a cup of coffee in the comfort of a living room (living over coffee shop..always.)  This is one way I can attempt to bring light and friendship to those I love.  Strong emphasis on "attempt."
 
    These are dark times, my friends.  And people are suffering at every level all over.  Your friends, family, neighbors, there is no one left unaffected by this virus.  So let us hold each other close (virtually, of course.)  And come together with courage, generosity, compassion, and grace.  This is a time for humanity to shine.  We are flawed, but there is so much goodness in all of us.  And we'll get through this together. 




       One nation. One world.  One people.